This concept freedom...

I remember I couldn’t wait to get out of there. I wanted to break out of my Bastille and roam a free man unencumbered by the dictums and doctrine of those who confined me. Okay, that was a bit dramatic. I was a youngster dreaming of being out of my parent’s home. I wanted freedom.

I wanted simply the right to “be on my own,” to “be my own man,” to come and go as I pleased and do what I wanted. Man I would kill to be under the care my parents provided for me: “three hots and a cot”, continual and unconditional love, direction, a soft place to fall. Sometimes we mistake our “chains that bind” instead of being what they are: the loving arms restraining us from running into traffic.

As I reflect, I see many of us always seem to look beyond where we are. We seek that nirvana of our “freedom”–the concept of: “there” is better than “here.”

Is it not paradoxical that if we continually focus on something or someplace beyond our current grasp, that the space between actually becomes our jailor? How can we feel free? We become trapped by our longing...

Someday we will get to someplace at some time to receive something from someone somehow. How many people live life in these shackles?

I see so often around me (and at times in my own life) the bondage that people create by the feeling of being trapped: in jobs, in relationships, by their schedules, their finances, their limitations, and their “status”. Is it truly “freedom” we need? Are we bound? By what or whom?

I wanted freedom from a career and received unemployment. I wanted freedom from relationships and received loneliness. I wanted freedom from pain and received intoxication. I wanted freedom from a schedule and received boredom. I wanted freedom from reality and found it wouldn’t leave. Which is more binding?

Now I do indeed realize that people are held beyond their will. I clearly empathize with those whose circumstances were imposed upon them creating insurmountable odds and dire consequences. Many are held in prisons far beyond their deserving and not led there by a jury of their peers. Their flesh mortified and their souls trampled, yet...some...are still...free?!

I offer you this taken as an excerpt from Viktor Frankl's - Man's Search for Meaning:

"We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms–to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

I see how restraining my chosen perspective on things has been to me in the past. I see how my internal dialogue leveraged my inability to see the true gold from the pyrite. How often do I now humbly desire for one more chance to be confined within the walls of the spaces I wished to break free from. Sometimes only momentarily...

As I see it now, freedom is an odd concept. Like a monkey swinging from vine to vine, he is only truly “free” in the air in the moments between grasping the next vine. If he remains in that space he flails and falls. It is the clinging and swinging that offers progression and security. Perhaps at times we don’t truly desire the freedom of the freefall, but simply need the next new vine. Swing on and be free my friends!

How to get in a "Really good place"...

A few days shy of my chosen month-long break, I find myself returning here inspired. After recently closing my business and handling the related financial and legal circumstances, I return to you not lesser of a man, but more so.

Being currently “in-between” jobs (P.C. vernacular for “unemployed”) I find that I have a bit more “flex-time” without the urgency of having to dart off to unlock doors, turn on lights, and heat up curling irons to prepare for my day. (I was a hairdresser in a past life.) This leaves me a few extra minutes to browse my email, web sites, news, and social networks. Although my domestic duties have expanded exponentially, as they should, I do not currently have an appointment book to dictate my pace of cleaning, groceries, cooking, and errands.

Today’s social network reading led me to stumble upon a couple friends exchanging pleasantries and one mentioned being “in a really good place.” Inspiration to write ensued...

I wondered, “What do we have to endure to get into a really good place?” Is it by comparison? Is it by fortune? Is it divinely bestowed upon us? What do we do to deserve it?

I also reflected that as I glance over my shoulder to my own past, what did I consider the “really good places?”

I found that it was often after the storms have passed.

I found that it was after taking a personal inventory of what I was surrounded with and those I loved.

I realized that I was not as bad off as what I perceived.

I realized I was still, at my worst, more fortunate that a large percentage of the planet.

I also realized I had a lot of ownership in the timing of when I realized most of this.

I also realized I can be in a really good place a lot sooner than I expected.

What we focus on is what we see. If we only choose to focus on what we are lacking, we are distracted away from the blessings we currently have. Often it is these blessings that will be the life preservers that keep us afloat in the torrents to come.

When we feel that things are most bleak, I find that a simple emotional detour is to take a moment to reflect on the things I have now that were once goals–some of them once perceived as lofty or unobtainable. At one time I could never picture owning a home, being in a partnership with a beautiful caring wife, and being the father of two loving kids. I have traveled; I have and have had toys. I’ve done stuff that I never thought I could at one time.

So I lost a business. Okay it sucks, but at least I had one to lose and it taught me a lot. The memories both good and bad are priceless. They also allowed me opportunities I would never have been able to achieve without it. I gained more than I lost. (Not financially)

I have battled addiction, estrangement, financial disappointment, conflict, illness, family cancer, challenges of faith, and damn have they made me stronger, wiser, more compassionate, and respectful of others to a degree that I would never have had not going through them. God sent me to college.

We must endure the sweat and pain to get the buff body. We must endure the knife, to remove that which ails us. We take a punch to know how to keep our guard up. We must lose to know the value of that which we hold. Love must sometimes leave our presence for us to realize the preciousness of its gift when we have it.

We can choose the frame we put around our life’s picture. We can choose our perspective. As I reflect, I see that the times I said I was in “a good place” were only as a result of the chasms I had crossed to get there. I see every, yes every challenge I have had, has eventually paid off in either wisdom, appreciation, thankfulness, and gratitude for where I end up. In seeing this, it allows me to say a humble “thank you” for every situation, no matter how perceptively challenging at the present, as a step on the journey to my eventual benefit. And yes I do fight this at times...

Sparing the details of a current situation that many would consider “devastating”, I find that where I am now is a “really good place.” I have decided to study the alchemy of turning a bad situation into a blessing. It will be. I just have to be patient. Although I may not be at my chosen destination, I can stick my head out the window, breeze in my hair, as I travel the road from one “really good place” to the next. Care to join me?

I am what I am

I remember a darker time. This time I was wrestling with myself. For some odd reason I was acting, doing, and being a person I was not happy with. I was not fulfilled. I was not proud. I was not challenged. I was not happy.

I remember mentioning that it was like I was peering in at myself trapped inside the glass confines of a fishbowl. I would pound on the glass trying to get my own attention and scream, “Why the hell are you doing this to yourself?!”

I in turn would scream back, “I DON’T KNOW!!” and then I would turn my back and walk away, returning to the negative behaviors.

What I see upon reflection is that I became separate from myself. I lost my identity. I was no longer whole.

At times of trial, we must be able to make sure we pull ourselves together by pulling ourselves together. We must be able to know who we are and what we stand for. We must be able to melt our strengths into one being; to be able to gain the momentum that only a collection of positive forces can create. We must select and focus on the best in ourselves and not focus on our shortcomings.

What I now ask myself is am I trying to take “progressive action” or “restorative action”.

In “restorative action” we must take a peek in the rear view mirror. A peek. It is where we clean out or closets determining what must stay and what must go. This allows us to intercept old behaviors and replace them with new ones. We make room. We feel good. We feel lighter. We must observe what has not served us well and perhaps where the holes in our map may have been. We restore.

I do feel that both observations are necessary to occasionally “tune-up” our lives from time-to-time. However, I feel it is best to first gain strength and momentum so that the gravity of past deeds do not depress our accelerator. I like to take “progressive action” first to get going before going back to plug the leaks.

One of the best ways I have found in moving forward which also assists in our restoration is to remember who we are. If we can visualize us standing tall and stand as the perfect models of what we wish to portray to ourselves and those we serve, we can have a better grasp on where we are going. We implant our values back into our field of vision. If we identify and prioritize our values and what we stand for, we will rejoin with who we are as well as who we want to be, inversely leaving our old behaviors in the dust.

Recently I was talking with a friend who had some “closet cleaning” to do. He lamented that he was embarrassed by some actions he had partaken in and the perceived damage it caused to those he loved. He said he was ashamed to make amends as his behavior was not significant and in the nature of a “Smith.” (Names changed to protect the innocent.)

I mentioned that in retrospect the person he was holding the apology and love from probably missed and forgave him by now. He was punishing himself long after the other had moved on further robbing him of his identity–separating him.

I mentioned that if he were to stand tall (literally) and visualize what a “Smith” stood for, would it be being a man and taking responsibility? He replied yes. Courage? He replied again yes. Integrity? Yes. Valuing others feelings? Yes. Making Amends to those we owe them to? Yes. Overcoming fear? Yes. (All these questions leading to the obvious solution.)

He remembered who he was and wanted to be. He had a plan. He could move forward. This step also allowed him to do some “restorative” work as well.

If we reconnect with the person we know we truly are–(sometimes buried under the garbage of our thoughts, labels, past deeds) and who we deserve to become, we can capitalize on our collective selves. We can channel all the strengths that lie dormant behind the prison of our own fears and separateness.

Once we connect with our true selves and our true value systems, we not only hold the key, but can shove it in the lock of our self-made emotional prisons freeing ourselves to do the work we need to do to move forward.

Ask yourself “Who you are.” Really take inventory. Use affirmations, and if you do not have one, steal Popeye’s: “I yam what I yam, and that’s all that I yam!” Stand tall and reconnect with your values that state who you are and deserve to be. I seriously doubt that a can of spinach will do the job on this one.




Decide to make a decision

Nothing great has ever been achieved without first making a decision to do so. A decision becomes a personal and intimate contract with ourselves to accept nothing less than the obtaining of our goal.


Decisions are simply a desire set in motion.

I used to be guilty of thinking that a decision could not be made until I had all pieces of the puzzle. I need to have the before, the middle, and the ending in full mental grasp before embarking on achieving its completion. Often some of the greatest journeys, some of the boldest adventures occur and unfold as we are standing upon the bow with our arms held high and wind blowing in our hair knowing not where we are headed. It is the thrill of the unknown that validates the trip. We must first make the decision to get on the ship.

Inversely, at times we may have too much information. We may find that we already have a notion of how the adventure is going to unfold. We allow fear to bond us into inactivity. Our decision making ability clouded by assumptions based solely upon the outcomes of past circumstances. Our greatest educator? Experience. At times our greatest adversary? Experience.

Our lives change the moment we make a decision. We make a commitment to alter our course, adjust our sails, and embark on a new direction. Decisions are also activation of progress. Progress can be observed in the thrust of a tsunami as well as the movement of a glacier. Both are undeniably powerful, both can have enormous ability to move any obstacle, the only difference is at the speed at which they travel, however once in motion, they will both achieve noticeable forward progression.

As long as we remember there are no failures in life, there are only results; our decisions will not be stifled by our projections of fear or unattained outcomes. We can make the decision to get up, get going, and make life happen for us. Whether it is a diet, gaining a new relationship, shedding a less-than-healthy one, a new job, or seeking a new life path, it all starts with making that initial decision to do so. We must come to the conclusion that the status quo has run its course and it is time to venture onward. For whatever reason, we had to stop in a “port of call”, refuel, rest, and renew our navigational points, but rest does not mean retire from life. It does not mean give up. It simply means “enough of that, now onto something fresh.”

Sometimes we must also make a decision to realize that we need to surrender. Surrender not so much as throwing up your arms in defeat and being marched off by the enemy, but to let someone else drive who knows the way home. Sometimes our decisions are to incorporate the power and wisdom of others. Maybe it is to come to the realization that our past decisions were not working and must be retooled.

Finally we must also remember that it is our decisions and not our conditions that determine our destiny. Some of the greatest achievements were made by people without the potential of you and I. They did not have the seeds of finance, strength, power, status, physical ability, or courage. They simply made a decision to manifest what up until then lay dormant in their heart.

As Helen Keller had said “Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.”

So my friends, what do you wish to change? What is scarce in your life that you wish to manifest? Where is the glory in dreaming without making the decision to reach out and grasp for that which is rightfully yours?

Decisions are the keys to open the gate to a new life.

Make a decision!

Now take the first step of acting upon it!

Happy Anniversary to me!

It’s been a year. I started blogging this weekend one year ago. I decided that blogging was at least the next step to deviate from exclusively screaming in my pillow. I know that releasing the stuff that builds up is healthy. It is also nice to realize you are not alone. I also realize the true way to diminish suffering is through sharing your experiences honestly which may help another person diminish theirs.

In one year through my writing, I have also found that the amount of readers does not affect the quality of what I write, nor my desire to do so. I have seen a handful of bloggers and people on social networks who “harvest” friends and followers. I think they feel validated more by numbers than content. I simply like to release my words. I place them on the buffet table. If you consume, great! If not, thank you for coming. It is like when you were a child blowing on the dying Dandelion–we enjoy the act of releasing the seeds, where the wind carries them to take root is out of our control.

I have spent a year examining, digesting, and pondering. I do this not to become separate, but to become one–as indeed we all are. You can go kicking and screaming while debating this, but the realization does eventually arrive. Details aside, we all suffer, we all love or want to be, we all wrestle with similar demons, and embrace the moments when kissed by the divine. We can still be alone without being lonely in knowing this.

This year long path has allowed me the blessed ability to release the toxins I used to keep inside. I can place them before me to evaluate my adversaries and through the support of others gain the necessary momentum to keep on keepin’ on. I can clean out my closet and be able to make room for newer and better stuff. I can give away the rest, and I also have many friends who are there to tell me to toss certain things that are no longer necessary, and for that I thank you.

As I have gone back through my writing over the past year, I have seen the emotional ups and downs reflected in my writing. Some were spawned by my own circumstances, and some inspired by the plight I see others enduring. Ups and downs–the peaks and valleys; it is this tempo that is depictive of life’s EKG showing us we are alive. When we are static, we are flat lining.

I have enjoyed my documenting this journey so through my words I can live on. I can travel time and space and can meet people from around the world I may not bump into at the grocery. I can heal without a doctor’s credentials, and cry on the shoulder of a friend on the other side of the planet. Hopefully my words will be here years down the road, perhaps after my passing when my kids may want to know what Daddy thought about sadness or happiness, or for my wife to reminisce about how we crossed a chasm in hard times. I can enjoy immortality, omnipresence, time travel, and most importantly through the realization of humility, I can see I am one OF a million rather than one IN a million.

Thank you friends, one and all for pulling up a chair on the deck of this cruise I have been on for the past year. Thank you for those who helped take the wheel in some of the storms. Thanks to those of you who sat at the captain’s table to enjoy the fruits of good times. To those who appeared when I pulled into your port for the first time, thanks for the welcoming when I set foot in your neck of the world. I hope the weather was none too rough and I hope you would recommend the trip to a friend.

As with any anniversary, it allows us to reflect back and savor the past years journey–to be able to hold onto the memories and take stock of the journey. It is also a chance to hit the reset button and do it all over again, just hopefully being mindful of where the potholes were.

As I posted recently on a social network status, I feel it necessary to once again repeat:

“Blessed is the man who counts his riches not by the coins in his pocket, but by the friends in his heart. I am blessed. I am rich.” ~ me

What're you gonna do about it?

The other day a group of friends were talking of the challenges we all face when something disrupts us–robs us of our “serenity” if you will. It is going to happen. We are a social species with free-will, and with that comes the frequent happenstance of an undesired situation entering our space.

Often it can seem like there are these “peace assassins” out to snipe us at any given moment. I had often spent a fair amount of my life assuming I was so cosmically important that the planets aligned, the gods convened to decide on how to disrupt me, and then they would send their minions out to pull off this dastardly deed, but now not so much.

Fortunately it takes a bit more nowadays to put me in the ditch.

I have become blessed with a few, but important realizations that carry me through this bumpy road called life.

I’m not that important! I am not so important that people got up 15 minutes early to pull in front of me in traffic and slow down. I am not so important that the little old lady with sixteen weeks of coupons, who finally got a ride to the grocery, got in line in front of me and forgot ketchup and needs to go get it just to see if I would come undone. God does not hate me and therefore did not decide to make it rain on my day off. My kids do not cry and fight to upset me. That is just their nature.

I may not be important, but I can have importance. One is a title I want others to pin on me, one is a title others want to pin on me.

Am I trying to own something that does not belong to me? I used to love to jump in the mix. As stated in my first point, often times we can see how easy it is to try to own a situation that does not belong to us. As it can be trying to smile through life’s little hiccups, it is also important to not go looking for a challenge. Often things do not happen to us as much as happen near us. We were just standing too close to the crap. Sometimes the only thing we have invested in a situation is proximity and timing.

Maybe we are trying to disown something we should personally tackle. Are you a claimer or a blamer? It is often much easier to find out why someone or something else is to blame for negative situations that befall us, but if indeed we have our role in it, we will eventually have to answer for it. The avoidance of a situation is often far worse than the eventual confrontation of it. It is like having a bully say, “I am going to kick your ass...someday!” Every day is a fearful challenge until we get closure from confronting that which haunts us. Often we cannot deal with the entirety of a situation, but we can answer for our own part in the play.

Remember this: “Nobody can piss us off without our permission!”

How much power are we willing to give to something no matter how trivial or monumental? What value are we instilling on the situation, opinion, or person that is creating the perceived disturbance? The more time, energy, and focus we place on the disturbance, the more we validate it as “worthy” of our undivided attention. Are we going to live our story or live or life?

As certain issues do require proactive opposition, they do not need to be made into any more of an assault than they really are. Maintaining your cool is Kryptonite to any a problem or person quickly diminishing their power over you.

So live life my friends and to the little things be damned! Find your path to happiness and share the path with others. To those of you who choose to stay still and whine, please keep your mouth shut as that just pisses me off. ; )

I'm not afraid to be scared

I guess I am ready to be scared. It is kind of a rush actually. Normalcy and complacency have run their course and it is time for transition. I think it is healthy to be a little scared from time-to-time. As much as certainty nourishes us, so do we grow from the unforeseen. Do I really want to know what is around every corner? I think not.

Being scared has an exhilaration that starts the heart. It works our emotional muscles. It shakes us and rocks us off the comfy spots on our couches. It is like our first roller coaster ride where upon rising to the click-clack of the cart moving upward, we know we are either going to throw up or throw our arms up and squeal like a child wanting to go again.

Life hands us challenges. Usually neutral in how they are served, but we can often victimize ourselves by how we label things. We can perceive that things are insurmountable, disrupting, and unfair. Through this fear we become scared. Scared is still okay. We have often been scared, but we often forget what lies on the other side of transcending fear: skill, strength, understanding, leadership, and sometimes peace to name a few.

Remember how long the street looked when you first teetered on two wheels? Remember how long the hallways looked when you first entered school? Did you forget your locker combination? How about the two words that changed your life forever: “I do!” Were you certain of your abilities as a spouse? How about parenting? How did you feel as you stared at the backside of a backpack walking away from you for the first time as your child entered school? Ever lost a job? Gone broke? Overcome illness, addiction, loss?

Still here? Still standing? Wiser? Stronger?

Sure there are enough things out there that are “horrifying”: war, famine, and a multitude of things that we humans need to get a wrangle on. However it is funny that the horrifying things often test our resolve in other ways and are often not as perpetually disrupting to our day-to-day existence. At least I hope not.

I want to be scared. I want to feel again what it is like to grow, to overcome, and feel strong. It is how I feel on the other side of scared that makes me feel empowered, connected, and alive!

Are you scared of anything now? Can you envision how you would feel on the other side of it? What will you gain? Can you use it to the greater good of those around you? It is also comforting to know we have all been there.

Like a child who is afraid of the dark, it is often our opinion of what lies ahead and not the reality which is our greatest adversary. I will try to keep my opinions under wraps so the battles diminish and my will grows exponentially.

To life’s little “Boogey Men” out there I say “bring it on!” “You’re not so tough!”Just please leave the light in the hallway on for me until I fall asleep okay?